How to Father a Successful Daughter

How to Father A Successful Daughter

Reassuring advice for fathers to help their daughters become happy, confident women.

EXCERPTS FROM HOW TO FATHER A SUCCESSFUL DAUGHTER

There are all kinds of daddies. Soft daddies. Stern daddies. Fun daddies. Demanding daddies. Each kind of daddy produces a different kind of daughter. This is no one best prescribed mode of behavior. Every situation that a daddy faces with his little girl will require a different kind of behavior on his part. There times to be soft and times to be stern. Unfortunately, many parents (not just daddies!) get locked into one particular kind of behavior and play out every scene using the same tape. Regrettably, men seem to have this problem more than women.

I might as well lay it on the line before you read any further: many of the ideas you will confront in this book will challenge you to make some changes. If you are unprepared to unwilling to do so, you might face some psychic discomfort. This will be particularly true if you are in agreement with an idea but reluctant to make changes. Once you have realized the effects of your behavior on your daughter and have accepted as reality the kind of impact you can have, then fathering her becomes more than just a passive kind of experience. It may become the challenge of your life.

While all this has a decidedly melodramatic ring to it, you should know that these sentiments have been expressed by fathers who attend seminars that I teach. They have asked me to warn my readers that they will make some leaps they hadn't anticipated.

"I thought I knew it all," one father confessed, "but my eyes have been opened. This is very valuable information, not only in raising my daughter but in understanding myself. I only wish I had this information when my other daughter was younger."

Sometimes instituting changes can be painful. On the other hand, it can be the start of a whole new approach to your role as a father--an approach that ultimately will be more rewarding, refreshing, and humanly gratifying than you had imagined.

For a girl, puberty is a time of great decision. If she perceives that femininity and achievement are mutually exclusive, she will be sorely tempted to sacrifice one for the other. She cannot avoid this crisis. She is living in the latter half of the twentieth century in America. The conflict exists, and she will have to confront it.

One of your main jobs, as a concerned and loving father, is to help ensure that your daughter doesn't get stuck at her stage of her growth. You can help make puberty a rite of passage to a higher plane of maturity and development. Whether your daughter is so young that the crisis of confidence that often accompanies puberty lies ahead of her, or old enough that she is in the midst of the struggle, you can make a difference.

Research on female achievers consistently shows that fathers who act as mentors to their daughters exert a powerful influence on the daughters' life accomplishments. Therefore, your understanding and advocacy can become a vehicle through which your daughter will learn to reject the labels that undermine her confidence, restrict her development, and confine her choices. Your unique contributions as the first and most important male in her young life will have significant and far-reaching consequences.

How, then, does a father walk that fine line between encouragement and pressure? First, by examining his motivations. A father who constantly pressures for more and better achievements may be selfishly motivated, may feel that his daughters' accomplishments reflect on him. He may be more concerned with his own self-image than the success and welfare of his child. Second, by allowing the child herself to initiate the goals. If your daughter brings home a B on her math assignment (up from a D), simply show your pleasure, give hugs, etc., and wait for her to say she wants to try for the A. Then, and only then, should you encourage her to seek the higher goal. This accomplishes three things.

First, it gives your daughter an opportunity to enjoy her achievement. (Remember the research that showed that females have a tendency to disown their achievements and give the credit to external forces?) Allowing her a little time to bask in glory builds her belief that she was the one to accomplish this goal. Furthermore, it reinforces the desire to do more. Second, it helps her learn to do things because she wants to, for her own reasons and her own esteem, rather than to please Dad. Third, it establishes a sense of autonomy by allowing a daughter to chart her own course and determine her own direction.

I am in no way a supporter of excessive pressure and expectations on children to begin climbing the ladder of success complete with ulcers, insomnia, and anxiety attacks. I firmly believe that children must be allowed to be children, must be allowed to make mistakes, to experiment, to fail. When we are overly critical, we teach our children to constantly strive toward a level of performance that doesn't exist. It doesn't exist because we always raise it. The end result is frustration. The end result is a daughter who may be successful in her career but unhappy, prosperous but discontent, "triumphant" but dissatisfied.

In seeking to mold your daughter into a successful female, be vigilant about your own behavior and loving in your responses. The loving responses are those that demonstrate your belief in your daughter by allowing her to create the next goal for herself and strive toward it under her own steam and on her own terms. In other words, to encourage, support, inspire, reassure, and embolden is commendable. To pressure, wheedle, threaten, intimidate and discourage is not.

"All fathers could benefit from (Nicky Marone's) heartfelt message."

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